lies.

It's painful to see you lying to yourself. Saying there is nothing left to do to make things better or right. You know these words are poison, don't you?

It's simple, really. Just believe in yourself the same way your friends and family believe in you, the same way I believe in you. If you have to fake it at first, so be it. But, one day what feels like fiction will turn to fact, your brain and heart will agree on three things.

You are worth it.

You make a difference.

You touch others.

One thought, one act, and one friendship at a time.

listen.

All day long you talk about how you are listening. Yet, you speak about it so much...I don't think the world has a chance to get a word in edgewise.

With things like radio, tv, video games, and unicorns to dream about, it's amazing you even have a chance to think, let alone listen.

So, at what point will you break? Realize it's all just too much? Your mind and heart caving in from the stimulant torture. We call these things luxuries, as they provide us an escape from ourselves. An excuse not to face orders from higher up, favors for friends, or the music in the speakers(reminding us of memories, a plethora of them bad).

Going, going, going...thoughts reeling. Like a merry-go-round of words, spinning until you are physically ill.

There is a solution, you know. Turn it off. No, not life...the unnecessary static. Turn your dial to a frequency of necessity, not want. Now, drive. Not thinking about the past or future, but instead taking in every single sound on your journey for what it is, breathtaking. You'll find beauty and peace right here, right now. Breathing in, and out. The sound of the road bringing you closer to presence.

A light through the pane, or in some cases...pain. A window of escape, as long as you look for it. Right here. In the moment.

<3

contagious.

I know it's cliche to say "I know how you feel" so I'll just shut up for a second. Because I know, right now you don't want to hear how happy things will be down the road. You want to feel the pain, because it brings you to life. It reminds you, you are human.

I offer to listen, but you don't crave a silent ear. You want someone who will feed the drama. Tell you how you've been wronged.

Well, you've come to the wrong person. I won't do that. Fuel the fighting.

Why?

Because it doesn't help. It drags you back to that horrible place of anger and resentment, once again. That bitter block of time, in the past. Ruining a perfectly good moment in the present.

So, excuse me if I feel my stomach churning, and if without thinking I puke a rainbow on you. I'm a carrier of consciousness. Keep me around, and you'll catch it.

The sensation may seem strange at first, almost foreign. But, believe me, if being infected feels this great...I don't ever want to go back to being normal. Happiness is here. Contagious.

sleep.

You say you're "tired of it all." Yet, you drag yourself through life like a zombie...repeating the same dance, day after day.

You say, "Someday I'll do it. Go after that dream." But, your "some days" are turning into today, and they'll soon become tomorrow's past, which is yesterday, then you realize in panic:

Poof. They're gone forever.

So, wake up. Right now. Be your dream, while you are conscious. Create your fate, while you can still see. Make it a reality, while you still have the ability to "do." Or, risk waking up to a feeling of despair, and a blank book of "what ifs."

Fill the pages. Live. Regrets don't exist here. Only lessons. Beautiful, living, breathing life lessons.

<3

~~~

believe.

It's the Holidays. Everyone takes a break...so I'm taking a break from my normal style. Here is an attempt at an interior monologue/conscious train of thought. No editing, just what I'm thinking. Welcome to my mind. ;-)

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believe.

It's nearly Christmas. Jingle all the way. Wow, the same carols are always playing and repeating.
What's that sound? Reality TV, it's worse than nails on a chalkboard. Joy, onto a commercial. Joy...means the holidays, but does it really?
So many are depressed, wow...that woman is crying on this show. It's so easy to watch the suffering of someone else, why is that? My friends suffer and I listen. But do I help? Do they feel like they need to help me, to keep me sane? Meh, why do I care? I don't know, I just do. That's natural, right?
Tuxedo, come back. The cat hates Christmas I think, destroying presents and bows. Maybe he's just doing it for attention, I should pet him more.
I should call my family more.
Kiss my husband more.
Do more freelance.
Ask for projects I know will be harder than what I'm given.
There is always more to do. Tasks at hand, but...I bring it on myself. It's fun. But is it really? Yeah...it...is....hmmm. What if I gave up extra work for a year? That's terrifying. What am I afraid of? Being alone with my thoughts? Nah. Boredom. And Tyra Banks, she's terrifying.
Self. Who am I really? Waffling between the conscious and unconscious world. It's scary. At peace, or at war inside. I suppose it's a choice. I want to breathe. That feels better. The silence is like a gift. Why do we even give presents? I don't need another candle, or gift card I'll lose. But, it is nice of people to remember. Even though half the time you know they are handing it to you thinking, "I got you something...it was an inconvenience."
Christmas shouldn't be an inconvenience. Maybe I should give it up. Can you give up a holiday? Or, I'll celebrate every day as Christmas, or maybe Thanksgiving. An excuse to be happy. And eat. The American way.
I don't need an excuse, this day is wonderful. Even the stupid reality TV show. I hear the snowplows drive by. People are cursing the roads and travel conditions. But, why? Complain about the long drive, or complain about staying home, you can't satisfy anyone really. It's not about pleasing the masses. It's about living with love. Do what you love. Fear is a learned condition. It's hard to grasp. Sharks are scary. But peaceful. Just like life, you can look at it two different ways.
How in the world did I get to sharks? It's still Christmas Eve, right? Do you think Santa is riding a holiday shark when the reindeer need a rest over the ocean? Sure, why not. He's real, I'm convinced. We should believe in everything like we believe in the big dude in the red suit. Blind faith. Trust. I trust you. My readers. With my secrets. And insanity. You are my holiday gift. My personal shrink.
Give me the remote, this show is ridiculous. Nah, just turn it off. Let's cuddle on the couch. Bring the cat, he needs attention, too. Happy Holidays, whatever you celebrate. It's all equal, it's all important. Just believe.