scars.

You held me down, and I fought you off. I thought I had won, that I was OK. Others had been through worse, right? I was one of the lucky ones.

But, the scars you left weren't physical at all. It was more than that. A suggestion that my appearance could attract such force.

Well, that's it. This ends now. I'm ready to heal. Face the fear.

Your strong hands have no power over me now, because I'm taking my life back. Even though I didn't realize until recently, I had ever lost it.

I'm safe. I'm safe. I'm safe.

I'll repeat the phrase until I truly believe it, knowing those who surround me now are right about the fact that I deserve a fulfilled life. For the outside to match the inside.

No more hiding behind these extra layers of security.

I will be free.

ps.

I know you have the spirit to fight this, the will to survive, and the heart to show everyone how it's done. You can't give up, I won't let you. Let's get healthy together. I love you more than you could ever know. The battle starts now. A quest for a new way of life, better than we ever imagined. Together, we will show the world our united strength.

Erica

ps. please include your own "ps" comment---this letter is for my grandpa bob, you can write the ps to him, or your own grandparent/friend/relative you are pulling for. Oh, and write where u r from if u can. Thank you.

forecast.

I can see you, allowing the stormy weather surrounding others, to determine the atmosphere you live in.

Just keep these things in mind:

1. When you think the sky is dark, the rain will drench you to the core.
2. When you complain about the brisk breeze, the cold will seek you out.
3. But, more importantly, when you seek sunshine it will find you. Because it was always there, you just needed to look behind the clouds to find it.

Create your own forecast, there are sunny days ahead. I promise. Now go, puke a rainbow. ;-)

love.

I hate to tell you this, but you've got it all wrong. Love is free. It's not about flowers, chocolates, cards, and diamonds. It's about special glances, laughter, kisses, and stolen moments. The message I give you may seem confusing at first, but stick with me.

Please take this as a compliment when I say, you don't complete me. I complete myself. Emptiness cannot be filled by another person. It's like sitting a full glass of water next to a partially empty one. They may be closer together now, but one is still empty, and if a glass gives another the liquid it holds, now all you have is two, half full. Nobody is satisfied.

So, satisfy your own thirst, a brimming glass will run over, plenty of love flowing for all. Don't get me wrong, by this I don't mean to be selfish. Just to realize, you are complete no matter who is, or isn't at your side.

Stop looking for someone to fill the hole. Be whole in life on your own, you have that power. Then, seek a lover and partner brimming with awesome, just as you are. Someone who can afford to give, and won't go emotionally bankrupt, because they are also rich with joy.

Companions in completeness. :-)


---

ps. I love you, honey. <3

contagious.

I know it's cliche to say "I know how you feel" so I'll just shut up for a second. Because I know, right now you don't want to hear how happy things will be down the road. You want to feel the pain, because it brings you to life. It reminds you, you are human.

I offer to listen, but you don't crave a silent ear. You want someone who will feed the drama. Tell you how you've been wronged.

Well, you've come to the wrong person. I won't do that. Fuel the fighting.

Why?

Because it doesn't help. It drags you back to that horrible place of anger and resentment, once again. That bitter block of time, in the past. Ruining a perfectly good moment in the present.

So, excuse me if I feel my stomach churning, and if without thinking I puke a rainbow on you. I'm a carrier of consciousness. Keep me around, and you'll catch it.

The sensation may seem strange at first, almost foreign. But, believe me, if being infected feels this great...I don't ever want to go back to being normal. Happiness is here. Contagious.

blind.

Happiness has sought you out.

Stop closing your eyes.

It waves a bliss filled hand in front of your face...you stare straight ahead, not a blink.

Why? Everyone else believes in you. And no matter how hard we try to tell you it's well deserved, the blindness to the joy in front of you won't go away until you believe, as we do.

You've taken chances on us. Been our rock of reassurance along the way.

Now, take a chance on yourself.

Before your eyes are glued shut for good.

<3

silence.

Some days the words are louder than others. Swarming in your head, a tornado of thoughts refusing to stop. You listen to them, and second guess yourself. Over and over, until you are at wits end.

Trying to catch your breath.
Gasping for air.

"Be quiet! All I want is silence!" You scream to yourself.

Don't worry, it's there. The peace you think is so far away is just waiting for you to find it. Just like an animal blending in with it's surroundings, unmoving. Waiting to be discovered, standing there, observing you.

And when you find that creature of solitude, it's head will snap up with surprise. Stunned, because for the longest time, it watched-observing from a camouflage of quiet, concealed beneath the frantic phrases you thought of constantly.

But, now you've found it. And every time you look, it will be easier to spot. The first discovery is the most difficult.

So, breathe...and keep your eyes peeled. Silence speaks to you, and wants to help, but all too often you are so busy you forget to look. Seek it out, and it will sing you to a song of stillness and relief.

Beautiful, noiseless lyrics, nobody can ever take away.

hill.

The trip is uphill.

You will sweat.
You will cry.
You will feel your muscles burning, legs shaking.

But don't forget to look around on the way. See the flowers waving at you with encouragement. The trees telling you to push on. Birds leading the way.

Signs, everywhere. Open your eyes.

And once you reach the top, the feeling will be impossible to explain. Your mouth will open and your lips will be speechless. Your tired body will feel weightless.

Push on. It will be worth it.

I promise.

--

blame.

The garden of prosperity is dead. He killed it. She killed it. Everyone else...they took it away from me.

Ya know what? An excuse...is not a free pass. It's a lie, to yourself.

You sit, and justify everything going wrong in your life. What about everything going right?

Once you pass the buck or blame someone else for the way you feel, act, or speak-they have power over you. It is only when you take responsibility for what is going right or wrong, that you can enjoy it-or change it, depending on what the situation is. Those feelings are then truly yours.

So, c'mon friend...stop blaming your neighbor for the flowers dying in your yard. Instead, water your ideas and watch them bloom. Don't blame the seed for not being a rose, instead...nourish it, take responsibility-turn it into what you want it to become.

Take charge. Take care. Give hope. To yourself.

Only then, can you provide hope to others.

--

absent.

I want you to know how much I've missed you.

Your laugh, smile, and ability to bring me back to the present moment.
Your way of turning my temper into tears of happiness and how you transform tense shoulders into a giggling shrug.

I'll find a way, to stay closer. To pencil you in for more hugs and place you on a smile schedule. Because people are more important than papers, deadlines and dates.

You, are more important...than anything else.

resolutions.

I don't care if you want to be thin, quit smoking, or find a new job.
I just care that you're happy.

That's my resolution for you. To be happy, today...with yourself. Because you are wonderful. 2009 knew it, 2010 is about to find out.

So, smile and stop worrying. Forget about what year it is. Forget about how much time you have to "accomplish" something. Forget about the butterflies the word "fail" conjures up in your stomach. What does it even mean? It's a silly label, that's all...a word, it doesn't make you less of a person.

For each moment is yours from now on. Live in the present. Be here, now.

<3

believe.

It's the Holidays. Everyone takes a break...so I'm taking a break from my normal style. Here is an attempt at an interior monologue/conscious train of thought. No editing, just what I'm thinking. Welcome to my mind. ;-)

-----
believe.

It's nearly Christmas. Jingle all the way. Wow, the same carols are always playing and repeating.
What's that sound? Reality TV, it's worse than nails on a chalkboard. Joy, onto a commercial. Joy...means the holidays, but does it really?
So many are depressed, wow...that woman is crying on this show. It's so easy to watch the suffering of someone else, why is that? My friends suffer and I listen. But do I help? Do they feel like they need to help me, to keep me sane? Meh, why do I care? I don't know, I just do. That's natural, right?
Tuxedo, come back. The cat hates Christmas I think, destroying presents and bows. Maybe he's just doing it for attention, I should pet him more.
I should call my family more.
Kiss my husband more.
Do more freelance.
Ask for projects I know will be harder than what I'm given.
There is always more to do. Tasks at hand, but...I bring it on myself. It's fun. But is it really? Yeah...it...is....hmmm. What if I gave up extra work for a year? That's terrifying. What am I afraid of? Being alone with my thoughts? Nah. Boredom. And Tyra Banks, she's terrifying.
Self. Who am I really? Waffling between the conscious and unconscious world. It's scary. At peace, or at war inside. I suppose it's a choice. I want to breathe. That feels better. The silence is like a gift. Why do we even give presents? I don't need another candle, or gift card I'll lose. But, it is nice of people to remember. Even though half the time you know they are handing it to you thinking, "I got you something...it was an inconvenience."
Christmas shouldn't be an inconvenience. Maybe I should give it up. Can you give up a holiday? Or, I'll celebrate every day as Christmas, or maybe Thanksgiving. An excuse to be happy. And eat. The American way.
I don't need an excuse, this day is wonderful. Even the stupid reality TV show. I hear the snowplows drive by. People are cursing the roads and travel conditions. But, why? Complain about the long drive, or complain about staying home, you can't satisfy anyone really. It's not about pleasing the masses. It's about living with love. Do what you love. Fear is a learned condition. It's hard to grasp. Sharks are scary. But peaceful. Just like life, you can look at it two different ways.
How in the world did I get to sharks? It's still Christmas Eve, right? Do you think Santa is riding a holiday shark when the reindeer need a rest over the ocean? Sure, why not. He's real, I'm convinced. We should believe in everything like we believe in the big dude in the red suit. Blind faith. Trust. I trust you. My readers. With my secrets. And insanity. You are my holiday gift. My personal shrink.
Give me the remote, this show is ridiculous. Nah, just turn it off. Let's cuddle on the couch. Bring the cat, he needs attention, too. Happy Holidays, whatever you celebrate. It's all equal, it's all important. Just believe.

envy.

Opportunity knocks.
You slam the door, instead of welcoming it in for tea.

Wealth is at your feet, a penny at a time on the sidewalk.
Yet you walk by, dismissing the riches waiting to be found.

A homeless person, is begging for the roof you have over your head.
And still, I hear you curse the leaky faucet.

Someone right now, would do just about anything to have your life.
So, use it. Love it. Live it to the fullest.

Before it's taken away.

dried.

I hear you complaining about being used.
The things you do, are generous-no doubt. But, would you rather be known as a martyr or a friend? If you don't respect yourself enough to know your limits, how do you expect others to?
So give, be kind, and help when you can. But please, don't forget to water your own stems. I'd hate to see your flowers lose their color, blooms lacking the strength to open. Take care of yourself, your vibrant petals are drooping, but it's not too late to nurse them back to life.
<3

tough.

One day I'll say it.
Yell it.
Scream it.

"Toughen up. Stop complaining...do something about it."

But today, is not that day.

Today, I just hug you-because I can tell your voice from within' is already deafening anything I scream, speak, or whisper.

Tomorrow we practice tough love.

But not before today's weakness makes us stronger.

wall.

Come here, I have something to tell you. I'll put this as nicely as possible.

There is a difference between venting, and attracting additional drama into your life.

Is it really doing any good? Working yourself up, over and over?

While you are busy talking of wilted dreams and flowers...a life of peace, sunshine, and fulfillment is waiting quietly for you to claim it.

So, I will continue to listen, but hope you see the smiles worth living for, on the other side of the wall of rage.

leash.

I know your bark is bigger than your bite, and more transparent than any cliche could ever be.

I'm not going to give up on you. I refuse. Instead, I sit. Ready for the fear to vanish. And when it does, I'll be here. Without a single scratch on my skin. Because my armor of present moment thinking made it possible to deflect your nips and snarls.

Yes, your ferocious facade will crumble.

Fear is your leash. It's up to you, to untie it.

grey.

After awhile, the digging, hateful words you speak become gibberish. A foreign language to my ears. Brain, heart, and soul choosing not to process the ugly thoughts you throw.

If you are going to speak in colorful tones, at least make it sounds like a rainbow.

I see no pigment in your voice. Only grey, dreary fear.

When you are ready to explore the new chroma and hue of happiness, wake me up. Because right now I'm dreaming in color, and my heart refuses to compromise by flipping to black and white.

grip.

I want to hold your hand.

Not to lead you astray or pull you down. Only to let you know, you aren't alone.

Your palms clammy, fingertips shaking. Why are you so afraid?

Breathe...listen to your breath, and feel the warmth of my hand. Let me help.

Because I'd never forgive myself if you slipped away.

The world needs you.

Hold on.

training.

"I wish...I...well, it's not fair. Just never goes my way...then you... make me feel. Ugh. It'll never happen. Why don't you just...?"

What? Why don't I just what? Stop encouraging you? Stop pushing?
Fine, I'll give it a rest. But remember this: life is a footrace to get to your dreams, and by the time you stop whining others will have a head start.

So, step up. Stop wallowing in the attempts of moments past. Strap on your sneakers, exchange complaining for training, and look towards the finish line.

Put one foot in front of the other. You'll get there. I promise.

Ready...set...?

Go.