scars.

You held me down, and I fought you off. I thought I had won, that I was OK. Others had been through worse, right? I was one of the lucky ones.

But, the scars you left weren't physical at all. It was more than that. A suggestion that my appearance could attract such force.

Well, that's it. This ends now. I'm ready to heal. Face the fear.

Your strong hands have no power over me now, because I'm taking my life back. Even though I didn't realize until recently, I had ever lost it.

I'm safe. I'm safe. I'm safe.

I'll repeat the phrase until I truly believe it, knowing those who surround me now are right about the fact that I deserve a fulfilled life. For the outside to match the inside.

No more hiding behind these extra layers of security.

I will be free.

clear.

You talk about the past constantly. Wallowing in the quicksand of "what ifs."

When you tire of looking over your shoulder, you spend the rest of the day panicked with talk of tomorrow. The fog of anxiety making it impossible to think rationally.

Well, you forgot about something.

Right now.

If you continue the worry, anticipation, and regret...your mind won't have time for this moment. The magical chance to do something, to make a difference. It'll be so clouded you won't be able to see the opportunities standing right in front of you.

Stop complaining about the past. Stop worrying about the future. Open your eyes. It's killing me to see the suffering you put yourself through, by re-living torturous moments beyond your control.

The good news is this: happiness is here.

Now.

:-)

shutdown.

The computer crashed, restart.
The followers are gone, panic.
The stoplight is red, hit the steering wheel and shout.

Now, stop.

Maybe it's just the universe telling you to put your life on pause, be centered, and refocus. For a few seconds. Minutes if you're lucky. A forced break from the rush. Take advantage of it.

payment.

I read what you wrote the other day, it gave me something to think about.

"I can't afford this.
I would do that, if I had money.
I can't make enough doing what I love."

Money? Maybe not. But, at least you'll be truly wealthy. By paying yourself in passion, you reap the rewards of a gratifying existence.

I can see the purpose cash is serving. Buying things causing resentment over the daily grind. That's no way to live. With a twinge of anger in your heart, constantly. It's not worth it.

Because, in the end...we don't take money with us. But, we can leave love as a gift to those still here.

Give me penniless over passionless, any day.

Good luck friend, be rich.

force.

Passionate intention.

It's a magical thing.

I see your love for what you do, and it makes me want to act, to help, to inspire.

Yet, lately the feeling has shifted...and now your egoic mind is working against the mission. How? Because I've heard you. Say, "I'll show 'em. I'll succeed, and then they'll eat their words."

True, sometimes disdain can be turned into fire to fuel passions inside. But, if you allow the anger to drive your desire to succeed, what is left when the person you wish to prove wrong doesn't notice?

Act. Because you feel compelled.

Push. Because passion drives you to.

And use love as the driving force. Because people can tell if your motives are pure, or tainted by resentment and revenge.

Intention attracts. Be careful, friend. Make sure you are being a magnet for what you truly want in your life.

<3

fear

Fear is running circles around you.
Tricking you into thinking this is all you are capable of. This is what you are destined to do, chained to this mundane situation you call life.

Ya know what? Forget being afraid. It doesn't accomplish anything.
For once, just once...I want to see love win this battle. Love of yourself, your strengths, your passions.

Are you truly living, or simply existing...think long and hard before you answer. It doesn't "have" to be this way. Change it. Overcome. Give yourself a life of love, fueled by a love of life.

C'mon friend...what are you waiting for? No, really. Stop reading and go for it. You owe yourself that much, at least.

Now.

walking.

The temperature outside matches the new warmth my heart is feeling lately.

You did this, you know. With a few steps. Creating big shoes to fill, and challenging everyone to see if they fit. You reminded me what it's like to be truly passionate. With a few words, summoning a fire I forgot existed beneath the surface.

A blaze of brave thoughts. Not about love in the romantic sense. But, about how that beautiful four letter word can move others to take action.

An intense need to care.

About people. A cause. A mission.

To be in love, with life.

So, don't sit still just yet. Your trek isn't done. Keep walking the walk. Because talk is only that.

Do what you do best. Lead us. We're ready.

rain.

You sit in the downpour, allowing the drops to dampen your spirit.

But, why? When the rain comes, do something.

Grab your umbrella of change, create a safe place for yourself.

If life wants to soak you to the bone, you have to allow it to do so...you are resourceful enough to find shelter, so stop standing there.

Dry yourself off, and start fresh.

The drops are encouraging you to grow, not asking you to drown in martyrdom.

Learn from the storm, instead of cursing it. If you move quickly enough, you'll see the rainbow in the distance.

<3

look

It's OK to have a bad day...as long as it doesn't turn into a bad week or month. Being down doesn't deserve that much time in your daily schedule.

If you think about it, most of the time it's not even necessary to make a "day" out of the bummer of a feeling. After all, it was just a moment that was "bad" right?

Stop allowing those moments to ruin all of the good things happening around you.

I refuse to believe the darkness of ill intentions can block out the rays of awesome surrounding us every day. Let go of the night, look towards dawn...it'll be here sooner than you think.

<3

play.

I know you are scared. I can see it in your eyes. Don't worry, I've been there, believe me. All of a sudden, things are changing...and the thought of a tune very different from the one you know, can be terrifying.

All I ask is you realize one thing. This isn't a crisis, this is a new beginning. You are starting the life you were meant to lead.

Things up until now haven't been a waste...they've been wands of wisdom and lyrical messages from the soul. So, take those tunes and make the music you were meant to play. Go forward without fear.

Look at me. Smile. The hard part is over.

Now, we sing as beams of light warm our faces and hearts. The words will come as the beat sets our easy new pace.

Now, we truly live.

selfish.

Dear Friend,

I miss you, cry for you...grieve. Yet, I know my actions are selfish. The tears are for myself, lost without your laugh and wishing I could bring you back. You are in a wonderful place, living past the physical limitations that kept you from doing what you loved while you were here. I'm sure your days are filled with wine, singing, dancing, and swimming with other saints.

A life closer to the sun, how fitting. It makes sense, considering you were the ray of happiness for everyone in your presence. Smiling with the ability to turn the most stubborn scrooge into a softhearted sap.

Today, I will cry one more time...knowing full well I'm feeling sorry for myself. Drops of greedy rain, falling from my eyes. Craving one more hug, one more laugh, one more shot of energy from your smile. You made it possible to believe the impossible is a lie.

But, don't worry-I fully realize your gift to us. A perspective where holding back isn't an option, happiness is a choice, and being stingy with love...is a crime.

Thank you, for the positive push from above. Time to wipe my tears, and outfit myself with a grin. You've changed everyone around you, for the better. Now I leave this selfish sorrow to step into the light and warmth you left behind.

-Erica

*This post is dedicated to my dear friend Darcy Pohland. I love you, and can see you raising hell up there. Keep it up. There will never be another like you.

quiet.

I can feel the breeze as you pace by me. Wrapped up in your world of yesterday and tomorrow. Eyes shifting, as I see the gears in your head working overtime. Talking yourself into worry and doubt.

Be careful.

Your mind is speaking so loudly, it's drowning out the message your heart is trying to send. Shhh...listen, to the simple silence of your soul. It's when you reach the point of hearing nothing, you will realize you are everything.

<3

water.

Dear Family-
(yup, you are my blog family <3) I'm breaking my "normal" style to tell you about something very important. Near and dear to my heart, actually.

I talk about how happiness is simply misplaced. This is true. But for some, it's hard to simply survive. Despite the crappy state of parts of the world, if everyone pitches in, just a little, we can make a big difference.

That's where you come in.

You see, I'm giving up my birthday this year. Yup, you heard right. Giving it up so the gifts I would have gotten, can instead be turned into donations to a cause I care very much about. After all, I hardly even remember what I got last year.

I'm turning 29, and instead of asking for gifts, I'm asking for $29 or more from everyone I know. A lot of ppl don't realize that a billion people in the world are living without clean water. Millions contract deadly diseases from contaminated water. 45,000 people will die this week alone. 4,500 children will die, just today. It may seem overwhelming, but...if we all do just a little, we can accomplish a lot.

I'm not here to guilt ya into donating, I realize the economy sucks right now. If you can't, that is totally fine and you can still help by word of mouth--spreading awareness is just as important. :-)

Thanks for listening :-) If you've ever taken something from these words I write, this is your way to show me. But, if you don't...I will still love you, promise.

Here is the link for donating, the campaign runs through May. We can make a difference. Believe.

-E

seek.

What happens when we plant our gardens, and tulips spring up where we think the roses should be? More often than not, complaints flourish, about the flowers we didn't expect, instead of seeing the new blooms as a compliment to the surrounding stems.

We say our jobs make us wary, our family and friends exhaust us because they aren't doing what we want them to. What we expect them to do.

Stop expecting. Start creating. Manifest your own fate. If you leave it up to someone else you are a bud without water, in the middle of the desert waiting for rescue. Instead, seek out the spring, control your surroundings, and bring happiness into your life.

Once you nourish yourself, and colorful petals start to show, the weeds of the world will have no power. Don't you see? You have the means to create a garden of good. Stop sulking in the scorching sun. Get up, and plant yourself in a sanctuary of action and love.

listen.

All day long you talk about how you are listening. Yet, you speak about it so much...I don't think the world has a chance to get a word in edgewise.

With things like radio, tv, video games, and unicorns to dream about, it's amazing you even have a chance to think, let alone listen.

So, at what point will you break? Realize it's all just too much? Your mind and heart caving in from the stimulant torture. We call these things luxuries, as they provide us an escape from ourselves. An excuse not to face orders from higher up, favors for friends, or the music in the speakers(reminding us of memories, a plethora of them bad).

Going, going, going...thoughts reeling. Like a merry-go-round of words, spinning until you are physically ill.

There is a solution, you know. Turn it off. No, not life...the unnecessary static. Turn your dial to a frequency of necessity, not want. Now, drive. Not thinking about the past or future, but instead taking in every single sound on your journey for what it is, breathtaking. You'll find beauty and peace right here, right now. Breathing in, and out. The sound of the road bringing you closer to presence.

A light through the pane, or in some cases...pain. A window of escape, as long as you look for it. Right here. In the moment.

<3

dark.

You wake from a nightmare, frantic, panicked. But, it wasn't a dream...this is real life. You begin to cry, and want out, as quickly as possible. But, still you see nothing. Only darkness.

Something more is out there. Warmth. Comfort. You feel it, radiating. So close, yet out of sight.

Screaming, "Help me!" You reach out in frustration, hoping your hand will touch something real. To bring you back.

Frustrated and full of fear, you sit with your face in your hands, sobbing. Feeling the tears stream between fingertips.

Then, you blink.

A flicker of light.

You blink again. Faster, willing the drops of salty water to leave your vision.

Everything is clear again. Every damn thing. Beautiful. New. Full of life.

You were so panicked and afraid of what was out there, so stuck in your land of nightmares...you didn't even realize, your eyes were closed. The dark prison where you were trapped, was all in your head.

So, open those beautiful eyes. Consciously use them to see good around you. The moment you stop looking for light, darkness will cover your eyes again.

Seek the radiant rays as a road map, and you'll never be lost, alone, or blind with fear.

<3

~~~

contagious.

I know it's cliche to say "I know how you feel" so I'll just shut up for a second. Because I know, right now you don't want to hear how happy things will be down the road. You want to feel the pain, because it brings you to life. It reminds you, you are human.

I offer to listen, but you don't crave a silent ear. You want someone who will feed the drama. Tell you how you've been wronged.

Well, you've come to the wrong person. I won't do that. Fuel the fighting.

Why?

Because it doesn't help. It drags you back to that horrible place of anger and resentment, once again. That bitter block of time, in the past. Ruining a perfectly good moment in the present.

So, excuse me if I feel my stomach churning, and if without thinking I puke a rainbow on you. I'm a carrier of consciousness. Keep me around, and you'll catch it.

The sensation may seem strange at first, almost foreign. But, believe me, if being infected feels this great...I don't ever want to go back to being normal. Happiness is here. Contagious.

monday.

And you say you'll wait 'til Monday. That weekends are for recovering.

Recovering? From what? The job draining the life from you? The meetings you can hardly sit through? The classes you are only taking out of obligation for what you "should" be doing with your life?

I hear you talk about these things, sucking the passion from your heart...yet you aren't willing to do anything about it? C'mon friend, you deserve more.

Take one second to look me in the eyes and listen. Please. Hear me out. If you work towards your dream now, maybe you won't have the DESIRE to "recover" on the weekends. Ever thought of it that way? An existence with satisfaction, everyday of the week.

Flowers grow, every single day. A day off from reaching towards the sun would mean dry roots, and droopy blooms.

Your soul doesn't take Saturdays off. Satisfy it.

<3

sleep.

You say you're "tired of it all." Yet, you drag yourself through life like a zombie...repeating the same dance, day after day.

You say, "Someday I'll do it. Go after that dream." But, your "some days" are turning into today, and they'll soon become tomorrow's past, which is yesterday, then you realize in panic:

Poof. They're gone forever.

So, wake up. Right now. Be your dream, while you are conscious. Create your fate, while you can still see. Make it a reality, while you still have the ability to "do." Or, risk waking up to a feeling of despair, and a blank book of "what ifs."

Fill the pages. Live. Regrets don't exist here. Only lessons. Beautiful, living, breathing life lessons.

<3

~~~

martyr.

You sacrifice.
Work long hours.
Give up on your dreams.
For others.

Or so you tell yourself.

But, in the end...you point the finger at those you say held you back. Even though they never had a choice in the matter.

So, stop it. You are nothing but a martyr...for yourself. A sacrificial lamb, to prove you are "the most caring person." Be careful, pent up wishes and dreams may be poisoning you slowly, toxic with resentment.

Don't you realize? You are most use to the people around you, when you are happy.
Include yourself among those you are willing to risk everything for. That, is how you can give back to them.

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